A little bit of a timeline of sorts!

I was just making a timeline for myself of the events of my high school life, up until this point in my second year of university, and thought it'd be interesting to share! Sorry for being so MIA lately - the new WoW expansion is out and REALLY, you can't expect me to blog when I'm running heroics on my Death Knight!

So yeah. The timeline. I use a lot of WoW things as indicators of time. And not everything important is there. And not everything there is ultra important. I just made it for me. :)

September 2008 – Age 14, Started High School

September 2008 – Age 14, officially counted Jason and Kat as friends

November 13^th 2008 – Age 14, WotLK released

November 30^th 2008 – Turned 15

December 2008/January 2009 – Age 15, met Devan

January 24^th 2008 – Age 15, The Matt Incident

Late Febuary/March 2009 – Age 15, started dating Devan

March 2009 – Age 15, went to Florida 

May 2009 – Age 15, met Deven

June 2009 –Age 15, finished grade 10

Early July 2009 – Age 15, became friends with Nin (we were already slightly acquainted)

July 2009 – Age 15, met Joey

July 2009 – Age 15, went to Vegas

September 2009 – Age 15, started grade 12

September 2009 – Age 15, ended close friendship with Deven (still slightly friendly with him at this point)

September 2009 – Age 15, Mother got pneumonia and quit smoking
September 2009 - Age 15, lost Joey as a friend

Early November 2009 – Age 15, Father got diagnosed with cancer, given approx. 8 weeks to live. Have my friend breakdown in class, miss a bit of school

November 30^th 2009 – Turned 16, terrible birthday was terrible

December 24^th 2009 – Age 16, a fun Christmas Eve

February 2010 (probably) – Age 16, joined Dark Fist, met many of my current friends

May (14th maybe?) 2010 – Age 16, The Incident We Do Not Speak Of

June 2010 – Age 16, finished grade 11 (didn’t take final exams!)

August/September 2010 – Age 16, left Dark Fist and joined Mithril

September 2010 – Age 16, started grade 12

November 30^th 2010 – turned 17, got Minecraft as a present from Nin

December 7^th 2010 – Age 17, Cataclysm released

December 25^th 2010 – Age 17, Father’s last Christmas

March 13^th 2011 – Age 17, Father passed away

Early April 2011 – Age 17, rejoined Dark Fist

April 2011 – Age 17, went to Vegas
May 2011 - Age 17, lost Jason as a friend 

June 2011 – Age 17, graduated high school

August 2011 – Age 17, went to Florida

September 2011 – Age 17, started university

November 11^th 2011 – Skyrim released

November 30^th 2011 – turned 18

December 1^st 2011 – Age 18, got Severus

December 20^th 2011 – Age 18, Midnight passed away

March 2012 – Age 18, got involved with my local friend group
March 2012 - Age 18, Kat moved away

April 2012 – Age 18, finished first semester of university

May 2012 – Age 18, went to London

May 15^th 2012 – Diablo 3 released

August 2012 – Age 18, went to Florida to meet Devan

September 2012 – Age 18, started second year of university

September 25^th 2012 – Age 18, Mists of Pandaria was released
September 27th 2012 - Age 18, discovered sad stuff, made this timeline :)

Lonely Night Storytime

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I don't tend to filter myself on my blogs (this one, and my Tumblr). 

I have been SORT OF filtering though. I have mentioned it briefly on here (although mostly to say I felt it was too private to blog about) and I've accidentally let my emotions get the best of me on my Tumblr as well, despite my best intentions. I also believe I wrote a very... heartfelt, upset post on my previous, now deleted blog back in 2010 when an...incident... occurred. I have decided tonight, though, I will dedicate a real blog post to this. A real, actual, not ranting, not whining, blog post to it. I have been avoiding doing so since I have a tendency to only blog when I feel extremely emotional in one way or another - overly happy, or overly upset. Most of the time it is overly upset. Today there is no extreme emotion. There is a little sadness, but it's mostly loneliness, so I think it will not cloud the post in a negative light at all.

So yeah. I'll explain what "it" is first.

I have a boyfriend.

There, I said it. I said the scary words. :P No, no. It isn't scary. I just tend to not talk about him a lot is all! He's very much a fan of... privacy. I guess I like privacy but I also really need to be able to share to my blog. So I will be keeping things at a mostly surface level I suppose! I just wanted to write about him for a bit though. I'm lonely and miss him quite a bit at the moment. He lives in Florida and I live in Alberta, so it's a bit difficult sometimes, particularly since he has an absolutely insane sleeping schedule compared to me. ^^

I guess I wanted to start out by telling you guys about him and how we met and got together! I don't think telling you his name would do a lot since well, none of you know him unless I've told you about him already, and at that point you do know his name. :P We actually met, as absolutely neeeerdy as this is going to sound, playing World of Warcraft. We were in the same guild at the beginning of Wrath of the Lich King, which would have been ALMOST 4 YEARS AGO. I'm sure I saw him around in guild chat, but the first time we actually talked was a raid we did... Obsidian Sanctum I think. Oh god. It's so weird how some things are remembered, hey?

So yeah. Obsidian Sanctum. I get invited, my boyfriend at the time gets invited (he is a whole different story, good god, do not get me started on that fucker) and we go in. My boyfriend at the time (I will call him Mr. Loser-Ex) starts being an idiot, I suppose. I don't remember much of that part. I was just being me - when I raided I turned into a bit of an asshole, but since I was with my friends I like to imagine I was being a FUN asshole. I'm sure if you ask my boyfriend he'll say I was just being an asshole. Mr. Loser-Ex though, is apparently being super duper flirty and shit with me, so my boyfriend makes that assumption we're dating. He does message me and talk a little though, but is distant enough that it isn't like he's hitting on another guy's girlfriend... until Mr. Loser-Ex said SOMETHING, god, I don't know what I WISH I REMEMBERED THIS, I'm writing this part off my spotty memory and my boyfriend's retelling, and my boyfriend decides all bets are off, etc, starts hitting on me.

So yeah. From that point on, he and I are talking, flirting, etc, but he makes it very clear, and HERE IS MY EXACT QUOTE "It's not like we'd ever actually be going out anyways"... which sounds SO mean reading it! Oh my goodness! It wasn't like that - I was worrying about something, he was trying to reassure me... it DID actually really upset me at the time though I will admit. Somewhere in our talking flirting fun, I broke up with Mr. Loser-Ex. Before the "not like we'd ever actually be going out" quote, but... that was after quite a bit of talking, so. I will also say right now - a few weeks after that quote, we started actually going out officially. HA. I win.

That was... over 3 years ago. Almost 3 and a half? Maybe? I'm not good at time. Either way. QUITE A LONG TIME. Some of it was less good than others (The Incident That Shall Not Be Talked About of 2010 that I am not allowed to ask about anymore, for one) and there were sort of... off times but overall A LONG TIME.

Plus, he's super. Maybe this is my ultra low self esteem talking here, but I sort of wonder sometimes how someone as terrible looking and with such an awful personality as me ended up with someone who is actually this attractive and this fantastic to be around and this great and just UGH. I sound like a middle schooler when I start talking like this, I know. I literally FEEL like I am a middle schooler gushing about that kid they have a crush on. -_- It isn't like that though. I just get so happy when I think about him I can't help but gush!

I'll stop now. I started writing this really since I was a little lonely and wanted to remember all the great things about my boyfriend, and it worked. I remember all the great things. TOO WELL. I am officially sitting here like "Yeah, he's great AND I AM GOING CRAZY MISSING HIM RIGHT NOW." so that's almost counter productive. Almost. I am only a little bit sad still. I'm happier though from happy thoughts. :)

Until next time, everyone!

:(

So...yeah. I'm back in Canada. I'm even back in Lethbridge to get ready to start school.

I am sad.

I know why I'm sad. I'm lonely. I don't even want to get into all the details about it and I don't think I have the energy to do so, I just know that I am sad.

This is still the only thing I feel like is too private to blog about.

Man, I planned to make this a well written post about my feelings and how I'm sad and how very much I miss someone and all this turned into was me crying. I give up.

not even a real post

Sorry I wasn't able to finish BEDA guys.

My trip is going really well :) its sort of weirdly privately to me so I'm not going to say much but it'd been great. I just wanted to do a quick post to round out August so here!

<3

BEDA: what is this i don't even

I am a little unsure I'll be able to finish BEDA :(

I do not trust myself to be able to blog when I am on vacation. I'm sorry. I'll get one up tomorrow maybe but beyond that. NO PROMISES.

Today is my last day of work and I am extremely excited about it! One of my friends made curry and made me my own little container of it without anything I can't eat so that was yummy :) it was my breakfast this morning.

We all got given animal hats we have to wear today. Mine is a tiger.

OKAY MEETING TIME BYE. <3

BEDA: being a grouchy mcgrouchypants again.

I have a coooold. :(

I got my haircut yesterday! It's all cute and shorter now. I don't have any pictures that really show off how it looks very well, because... I don't look good in pictures. But I have sort of one if anyone would like to see that. :) 

Haircut, haircut, haircut.

I like it. I like my hair a bit shorter. I'm dyeing it a few shades darker on Friday though, since there's a bit too much... blonde-ish in it right now for my taste. Ideally, it'd be bright pink or something. I miss my brightly coloured hair. :(

I had a cinnamon roll last night and it's given me a bit of a headache. I really, really wanted one though so it was worth it. Sort of. 

I'm at work right now and am incredibly bored and am not really sure what to say. It's my second last day (which means omg I leave for Florida in like...48 hours exactly, almost since my flight takes off at 9:55 AHH) so I am ultra excited. The girl I'm supposed to be giving and teaching my work is.. well... I don't like her at all so I'm trying to avoid having to do anything even remotely related to her. And it's so NOISY over here, ugh. I can't focus at all. I have an online meeting in 45 minutes and if it's still this bloody loud, oh my god, I am going to stab someone. 

I'm sort of feeling kind of bad today, since my temper has been a little... well... more... temper-y than usual and I might have maybe sort of exploded on a person or 2 in the past week. I'm kind of mad at myself over it; I really really need to work on that.

I AM GOING TO MURDER THESE PEOPLE. YOU ARE NOT WORKING. YOU ARE NOT EVEN PRETENDING TO WORK. YOU ARE JUST BEING NOISY AND I DO NOT LIKE IT.

I am sick and unhappy and do not have a post today and I was already almost asleep when I realized this.


Ooops. Sorry.

BEDA: A less than positive day.

Something slightly unfortunate happened today. I accidentally... Oh god. I can't say it.

I accidentally wore shoes that irritated my monster cat scratch on my foot. :(

I know, I know. Not really a big problem in the long run, but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't been annoying me allllll freakin' day. I still can't believe Sev did that to me, it is one of the worst scratches he's given me in awhile! Mean kitten :(

Only 3 more days of work, eeeee! I am so excited. I need to get start packing for Florida and finish buying my last minute things and tomorrow is my haircut and Friday is my nails and my eyebrows and THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO. I'm so excited though.

My mommy just emailed me a picture of my kitten and my mom's cat... they tore open a container of catnip and ate it! Yaaaay! They're so bad sometimes.

Okay. Well. I have something I am extremely upset about that I am trying to AVOID blogging about but since I can't stay focused on anything but that, I am going to end this now. Sigh. Sorry guys! <3

BEDA: Worktime ramblings

Work, work, work. Only... like.... 38 more hours of it left this week! Oh my goodness. I can't even contain how excited I am for this.

I accidentally brought my sunglasses to work today and all I want to do is wear them. I very rarely actually get the chance to show them off, considering I live in Canada, don't go outside often, and wear actual glasses so I hate just dragging out my sunglasses to only wear for like... a few minutes. They're adorable though and I love them :(

See? Adorable.

I also brought a book and keep trying to distract myself from wanting to read it. I haven't picked it up yet thankfully, but having it sitting on my desk beside me is extremely tempting and I just keep glancing over at it... "I could be reading you. I could put on my sunglasses, find a blanket, and go outside and lay on the blanket and read you." I am obviously NOT doing that but... it is an option! :(

I have a hand sanitizer container that only has a little bit left in it, and I displaced it from its spot inside of the bumblebee holder and I feel a little guilty for it. Like, I put a full one in the bumblebee, but I feel sad for the former one that still has a little bit left. So I'm excessively sanitizing my hands today to try to use it up so I can stop worrying about it. I think I give inanimate objects too many human emotions sometimes. :( 

I don't have the energy to write anything else today. I'll see everyone tomorrow! <3

BEDA: Does anyone even read titles?

Sorry about the quick disappearance last night!

Sometimes conversations make me sad and sometimes the sadness from those conversations triggers sadness from related conversations that made me feel very sad. And then when that happens my energy to try to write a blog posts ends, particularly since it was a blog post about my good day.

In other news, I did absolutely nothing today and it was great. I'm still not particularly happy from last night but I'll get over that (I usually do). Today was the day that led to my realization of just how many Lush products I own. Seriously. Almost all of my hair and skin care are Lush now. 9 to 5 cleanser, Tea Tree Water toner, Vanishing Cream moisturizer, the Mask of Magnaminty once a week... Seanik and American Cream Conditioner for my hair... Yeah. I think I'm starting to develop a problem (she says as she browses the website, looking for soaps and body butters and shower gels). It's almost as bad at the makeup problem I made for myself. I need to stop choosing expensive hobbies.

I have absolutely no desire to go to work for this last week. I think it might end up killing me. I would actually pay one of you guys to go for me if you wanted, although you'd have the downside of having to pretend to be me and deal with my team. Eeeugh. But on the plus side I'll give you free cuddles. :)

Okay. Well. I'm extremely bored and distracted today, and not having any consistent conversation partners this evening isn't helping.(All 3 of my friends that are online are half-busy with things so I feel like such a pest D: ) so I think I will go find something to do. Do some makeup research or something. Until tomorrow! <3

BEDA: Fun! (and then not-so-much)

Today was a pretty fun day.

We did NOT go to our party last night though. :( Libby got sick so we stayed in. I was a little sad because I was planning on wearing something I've been waiting to wear since I bought it in London, and I'm afraid it'll stop fitting me soon, but I will find an occasion for it! I swear! Either way, we woke up this morning and drove up to Lethbridge. I was nice and didn't sleep the whole drive despite being absolutely exhausted. Then we went out for lunch! It was nice, we usually have anywhere between 25-30ish people most days but today we only had....12? 13? It was insane! We ate and talked and played a sort of game thing that was...hilarious.

Also, we accidentally forgot to pay our bill, and someone messaged us about 3 hours later so we could run back and pay. OOOPS. Embarrassing. :(

Afterwards, we went and bought me a mini-freezer to store food. Since not being able to drive means I need to sort of bulk buy all my meat and vegetables. And I sort of don't want to share with my roommate anymore. Then we went and took some stuff (3 old TV's, old couch, and an old matress) to the dump which is really not a thrilling experience and then we went to one store to buy my sister a cardigan.

I know that doesn't sound like a fun day but it was. I had fun. I'm mostly pretty happy I think. I'm having awful sugar cravings again but time to just FIGHT THROUGH IT. I may reread TFioS tonight since I left it here and I haven't actually done a second read through of it. Or I will save that for my plane ride next week... which is actually literally in a week and ugh I am getting nervous :( I will not think about that though since I still... have a week to panic about that. And a week of work to push through :(

(and that was the point my happy ended. END OF POST. sorry guys.)

BEDA: I complain a lot.

This is my second last Friday at work and I don't have the slightest bit of energy.

You guys know how it gets, right? It's exhausting to be working at a job you don't really...want... to be doing. I won't complain about that here though. I'll even try to go to the rest of this post without complaining! It will be a challenge, but I can do it. I will only think of happy things.

Reasons to be Happy

• I have a party tonight! While I am not very much of a party person, and don't enjoy staying out late a whole lot, tonight is my party night. I should hopefully get to see some of my friends I haven't seen in awhile. Plus I see my friends this weekend and I like friends
• I leave for Florida in EIGHT SLEEPS. A WEEK TOMORROW. Oh my goodness. This is insane. I'm starting to hover between absolutely petrified and over-the-top excited. 
• I get to make a big makeup order before I go back to school.
• I had french fries today because I didn't want to behave, and they were delicious.

Lots of reasons.

Still not happy to be at work!

BEDA: titles are silly

I always choose the worst posts to turn in series'.

I have tomorrow's post (supposed to be today's!) all planned out. I literally spent an hour on it at work. And no no, it's still not done. Oh well.

Only 6 more days of work! I am so excited. I don't have any energy for my last days. I don't know how I'm going to push through it. On the plus side, I'm going out tomorrow night and I am in Lethbridge this weekend to see some of our friends! I like going to Lethbridge when I'm in Calgary. We're buying me a freezer to store my food in. ^_^

Other than that nothing exciting is happening. I need to start pre-writing posts for when I'm in Florida so maybe I should make a start on that tomorrow. Whoooo knows.

BEDA: The second post

I am sitting here with my Crest white strips in since I need to whiten my teeth and decided, what other time would be more perfect to write the promised second post today than right now!

I am currently on a bit of a not actually good music binge. At this exact moment, I'm listening to Taylor Swift's new song and UGH. It is way too addictive. I wish I knew why, but it is totally my favourite song for the...week, or something. It is just so catchy and it's upbeat and even though is, as with all Taylor Swift songs, a breakup song, it makes me happy... even if I really am not even remotely going through a breakup right now. O.o

Other than that there has been other Taylor Swift songs and other generally less than stellar pop-ish, dance-y music. It puts me in a good mood, and I enjoy good moods!

Okay. Time to take these white strips off. I did actually have a nice emotional long blog post planned, but it's only half done. You get that tomorrow I suppose. I need to sleep as I am awake EARLIER THAN USUAL tomorrow. Goodnight!

BEDA: Oh my goodness I am late!

I forget yesterday's post!! I will try to make up for it by writing two today.

I am still being passive aggressively avoided and it is still making me very uncomfortable. I am unsure what I could have done to have this sort of thing happen, but no matter. I can get over it. I'm feeling a little bit anxious today for some unrelated reasons, but I can't really explain why. I'm sure it will pass - it's mostly just that nervous pit that forms in your stomach and flops around a bit.

I had a team meeting today, it was my last one. It was sort of weird. I'm still really excited to be done work though. 7 and a half days! Squeeee. I just want it to be over. I don't have the energy for this anymore. Especially today, I've been dealing with massive food cravings. Right now, the only thing that I want is some of my mom's baking. Either a frog (which is not a literal frog, it is a chocolate-y dessert), her vanilla fudge, or the signature chocolate chip cookies... Not a good craving day. :(

I will write another blog post later tonight, of something of substance maybe? Hopefully!

BEDA: Being avoided.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was being avoided. And I can't say I really know better.

I really do not enjoy when people passive aggressively avoid me. I don't enjoy being avoided at all actually, but I can kind of understand it from people I know I've done something to upset. Mostly since a majority of my friends are honest enough to tell me when I'm being a bit of a whiny idiot. So it's always a bit of surprise when someone decides to just get upset over nothing and not tell me. Either way, I will get over it. I just very much do not enjoy it.

Since I'm feeling all better this week, I decided to go to work! Yay. I'm a little bit exhausted, that's for sure, but I feel okay being here. I think I'll survive. I only have 10 more days of work left so that's pretty exciting! And I leave for Florida in 12 sleeps. :) I am getting awfully excited. I should make a list of things I still need to do. I keep telling myself I'll make one, and I start it and I never finish!

Things Left to do Before Florida 

• Get my toenails done! My sister and I have this booked for the 24th right after work. I mostly like it since I like talking to my sister and I like relaxing, and I'm wearing a lot of sandals when I'm down there so I consider this kind of necessary.
• Get my eyebrows done - also booked for the same day as above.
• Haircut! I haven't gotten my haircut from my favourite hair stylist since before London, so I'm going to go see him on the... 21st? 22nd? He's great. He's super nice and super good with my hair.
• Jeans! I want to buy a pair of jeans before I go. We're going shopping on the 15th for that. ^^
•  A few more things I will also be picking up on the 15th
• Dyeing my hair a little bit darker - I already bought the hair dye and am until closer, to avoid my hair being super destroyed from dyeing it.

I think that's it. I'm sure I can add to it as I think of things. For now though, I will continue playing catch up on the work that I missed. I will see everyone tomorrow! <3 

BEDA: Sleepy sleepy!

I am only going to say this once - 4AM. I HAD TO STAY UP UNTIL 4AM.

I had a pretty good evening last night. After I posted my blog, I watched Nightmare Before Christmas on Skype with a friend of mine and hung out and talked to him after. Hence the staying up until such a ridiculous hour. Now because of that, I am operating on far too little sleep, and far too little brain capacity. I swear to god, I will go to bed early tonight if it kills me.

I went out with my sister today. I had a few things to buy and I did not get any of them - figures. I did get to eat butter chicken though. I know, I know, I've been so good food wise, but I wanted it so bad. AND IT TASTED SO GOOD.

Okay. It's bedtime. Goodnight everyone :3

BEDA: NOT SICK.

YES. I am healthy-ish again. Life is fantastic.

I feel okay today. I've kept all my food down and I went out and I'm just 100% better. It was an exciting day. I bought tinted moisturizer and concealer. Also we went to Costco and bought... food. I like food. We're going to make a cereal I can eat soon, since I haven't had cereal in awhile. I've also been talking to my friend whom I talked to again yesterday, so that's exciting. We're going to watch a movie once I finish this (likely short) post.

I don't know really what else to say. I'm in a good mood with a few weird feelings in the back of my head but I don't know how to voice any of them...

Can I count this as a blog post?

BEDA: Reconciliation.

Yup... Still sick...

I went to work this morning and got sick, so I just came home again and slept for 4 hours. So yeah. If I am not better tomorrow or Sunday, I am going to be so mad. I'm so bored of being sick. I'm tired of only eating soup, tea, and diet ginger ale. I just want to be back to normal. :(

Today, other than being ill, has been an interesting day I suppose. I actually got a message on Skype from someone I had a pretty big falling out with about 2 and a bit years ago, and have barely talked to since. We had mutual friends online and stuff, and ran in the same group on weekends, so we still had contact, but it was rather... icy, to say the least. Then he just sort of disappeared (I don't really know the exact circumstances behind that) and boom. No contact for about 2 years. Anyway, I had him on Skype still, and I've seen him online a bit sometimes and I saw him online today. I didn't think much of it (I was still preoccupied about an argument from Wednesday with someone, and being unhappy with another person whom I will still not talk about on my blog) and went about my business.

Suddenly, the little Skype sound! I look over and yup - it's him. "Have a minute?" Well, sure I did. So we talked a little. He informed me he would be returning to a game we both played (which I actually don't play anymore but likely will be playing again due to some PEER PRESSURE ZOMG) and also that he was sorry and took complete responsibility for our falling out... Wow. Well then. I of course, still blamed myself and told him so. We talked a bit more, I agreed to let him blame himself and be quiet about my own guilt, and just... yeah. It was weird. I went to take a nap after 20 minutes or so since I still don't feel that great, but yup. We talked. It was weird. I'm not sure if I should talk to him again.

I don't really have the energy to worry about that right now. Between trying to get better and dealing with suddenly-distant people, I really don't know how much more room my mind has.

If I'm feeling better tomorrow, I'm going to go to Sephora I think. I want to buy tinted moisturizer. And looking at makeup makes me happy. I like being happy. Maybe that'll help me decide what to do about a few things.

See you all tomorrow. <3

BEDA: Still sick, less grouchy.

YES! I am still sick today.

I went to work this morning as I usually do (despite feeling absolutely AWFUL) and did a bit of work for about an hour and 45 minutes, when my boss came over to my desk. I apparently looked very ill still. She told me to go home. I went home. I did a meeting over the phone, I took a nap. I went to the low carb store and nearly threw up in the car on the way there and on the way back. I came home and ate some soup. It was a really, really thrilling day.

I'm less grouchy today, on the plus side. I have something I sort of want to whine about but I am about 95% sure that the person reads or at least COULD read my blog, so I won't. I'll silently be a grouchypants. I'll just say in the most vague terms that I am not good at people or reading their feelings or their emotions >.< Other than that and the obvious my body is trying to kill me, I'm doing pretty well today. I think I'm going to post pictures of my new hair and new glasses tomorrow if I look any less ill. I like my glasses. ^_^

I wish I had more motivation when I was this ill. What other things do I have to say? The only thing I can focus on is how much I'm ready to go back to bed!

See you all tomorrow <3

BEDA: Grouchy and sick.

I am a very, very icky Brae today. :(

I have the flu. I had to stay home today I was so sick, so that wasn't fun. I hate the flu. I did appreciate getting a shit ton of sleep I mean, but not being able to keep any food down, having to drink stupid diet ginger ale, and being very lonely does not make for a happy Brae. Basically, I read most of the day, and took a bath, and slept, and yeah. Nothing exciting.

I did get my hair dyed last night! I changed my mind at the last minute and went with chestnut brown... I think I want to dye it once more a little darker, since my bleach job went bad (OH SO BAD) so the color just isn't QUITE perfect - but I like it still. It'll work for a few weeks until I can get it a bit darker.

I'm not particularly happy again tonight, so it's going to be a short post again. There's nothing particularly wrong, exactly, just having lots and lots of conflicting feelings floating around in my head. I promise I'll be back to myself soon. Until tomorrow, everyone. <3

BEDA: In which the weekend ends.

I have a headache and my stomach hurts and can I just go home now, please?

It is Tuesday morning, which means I'm at work after my fantastic long weekend. I do not want to be at work. I'm too tired and too in pain and too bored and too ABSOLUTELY DONE with trying to work. I've been distracting myself with going over to get some tea, and making a pretty countdown for 'when do I get to go home' and 'when do I go to Florida' and 'when is my last day of work', but that can only keep my attention for so long. I also put Pride and Prejudice onto my phone, so I'm reading that (finally). My mother was never a fan of Jane Austen so I hadn't gotten around to reading any of her work, but now that I am, it's not that terrible. I'm enjoying it.

I'm also a little bit sad today for no particular reason. I think I might be lonely. I can't really tell for sure though, because I'm alone a lot of the time and I'm not always lonely... but I don't know. I tried to do that whole subtle "message someone something and hope it turns into a lovely conversation" but that didn't work at all. Now I'm back to square one where my only companion is my trusty ol' blog. Also my sister. She's talking to me a little. We're discussing Catching Fire casting. :)

I am wearing one of my new dresses today! It is cream with blue and yellow flowers, and I'm wearing a blue cardigan over it because its like... a tank top type of top, and I am at work. So that really isn't an option. I was going to wear my new flats, but they're a little tight and need to stretch out, so I don't want to only have those for like, a full 8 hours. I'm hoping it stops being so unbearably hot here though. As much as I love taking any opportunity I can to wear dresses, this is insane. It's gross. And next time it rains, my mommy promised to make me ribs... and I really, really miss ribs. I have asparagus and a pork chop for lunch though so that's pretty yummy.

One of my friends I made this summer came to talk to me too :) she's so nice. That was nice. Apparently, I -am- just lonely... stupid only having online friends who aren't usually online when I'm at work! :( Oh well. I'll just deal with it for the rest of the day. Until tomorrow, everyone! <3

BEDA: Elliott Smith's birthday

August 6th is always a really important day today, and I'm extremely happy I had it off work this year.

This year, August 6th 2012, would have been Elliott Smith's 43rd birthday. If he was still alive that is. And I usually prefer to take today, rather than October 21st, since I prefer to celebrate his life rather than his death. Most years we make cupcakes for it, but this year I obviously couldn't. So I just took the opportunity to listen to his music and think about all the ways it's affected my life. I really don't like remembering that he isn't alive, but I think you all knew that. I'll get over it though. I'm just happy he was alive and made such lovely music :)

Other than that, it's been a pretty quiet day around here. I played some video games and pouted about having to go to back to work tomorrow. I'm so happy I only have 14 days left, ugh. I'm also bleaching my hair tomorrow for a few days until I can put the burgandy in, which I'm extremely excited for... I think I might wear one of my new dresses tomorrow :) I went shopping again after my post yesterday and got 2 more, so I'm BASICALLY done shopping for quite awhile now :P

I hope everyone else is having a good evening, and I will see you tomorrow!

BEDA: In which I have too much energy for a lazy day.

I woke up way too early today. I couldn't sleep any later than 8:30, even though I knew if I was able to do anything today, at the earliest it'd be at 12:30ish. And that's assuming I did do anything today. I used to love not doing anything all day, every day. Lately though I've just had toooo much energy to handle doing that!

So, it's 12 now, my mom still isn't back, and in my boredom I managed to try on a few more of my outfits, get dressed (nicely!) for today in one of my dresses, find my sunglasses since I had misplaced them, and start playing one of my games on Steam. And I put on makeup, but that barely counts since all I have on today is some concealer, my MAC paint pot, mascara, bronzer, and lipgloss. I haven't eaten yet since I want to make more of my delicious cream cheese pancakes, and I haven't started my grocery list since everytime I do that alone, my mom ends up completely redoing it anyway. >.< Basically, all I have left to do now is wait for her to get home so I can stop sitting here, twiddling my thumbs.

I need to go to Shoppers today I think. I want to buy the bleach I use to get my hair....bleach white, and I had a few other things to grab too. I really hate going to the one near my house right now though since it's a mess. I also still have a free coffee thing for Starbucks, so I might get one of the like, black unsweetened ice coffees to bring home to add my heavy cream and one of my sugar free syrups too...  those are so delicious. I need to plan a trip up to the low carb store again sometime soon too. It's a pain to get there, since it's up off McKnight and like... 14th street? Or something? But it's great. They have like, bread things I can have, and my syrups, and like... just lots of things. Lots and lots of things.

I hope everyone else is doing well today! :) I'll see you all tomorrow <3

BEDA: I need to stop shopping,

Really. It is insane how much I've done lately.

My mommy and I went to Chinook today since I... wanted clothes. I got 3 super adorable dresses, and the first one OH MY GOD. It's perfect on me. I love it so much. I love it so much I'm even going to show you guys a picture of it! It's green and navy blue striped, and it just... it looks perfect on my shape. AND! It's a large. A LARGE. This is the first time I've been in a large since before high school. So happy!

See? The picture doesn't do it justice. It makes me look so cute. AND OMG A LARGE.

I did also buy a cute bright pink dress, and a grey and blue one. I like all 3 of them. I also got a few necklaces from Forever 21, and more of the face wipe things from Mac. All in all, a pretty fun shopping day. My mommy talked me out of buying more make up (I really really want Well Dressed from Mac, as well as Girl About Town.... and Satin Taupe, and don't get me started on how much I want from Sephora (also I want this Chanel foundation but that's beside the point!)) so I'm a little sad about that, but really, I have a lot. I also was not allowed to go into Lush, even though I do need to buy more of my cleanser! But my mom was aware I'd end up buying like, 2 soaps, shampoo, and conditioner if I was allowed to go in. :P

I wanted to buy more, but I'm at this sort of weird sizing now that... like... a lot of places, the XL fits but it looks kinda big or I can tell within a few weeks it will be, but the large is too small and I don't want to buy it in case it looks weird when I do manage to lose more weight... I need to buy a few new pairs of jeans, since all of mine literally are falling off of me, but I'm waiting until I'm back in Lethbridge to do that I think. I might grab 1 pair before I go to Florida, just for the plane though? I don't know. I was on the lookout for a cream skirt the WHOLE TIME though, and I couldn't find any that fit me, looked good on me, or weren't super duper expensive. So I'm still working on that.

Also today we made these super delicious cream cheese pancakes from I Breathe, I'm Hungry which is this great low carb food blog I love. It was great since I'm sooo tired of eggs for breakfast. I'll definitely be making those again soon. And by soon, I might mean tomorrow. ^_^ 

I hope everyone else is having a good day :) See you all tomorrow! <3

BEDA: Long weekends are the best weekends.

Seriously. You never appreciate them until you really need them. Like when you only have 14 more days of work left.

Today was not a particularly exciting day. I worked. I went to lunch with 6 of the other students at work. I worked. I came home. Then I got to go shopping at least! That went okay. I got a new pair of sandals and a new pair of flats. I'm just excited it's the weekend now. I'm making a like... cream cheese pancake recipe tomorrow morning, and it looks so good, and my mommy got me sugar free syrup for it ^_^

Really, other than shoes, my day kind of sucked. I argued with someone, I had to work, I watched sad YouTube videos, and now I'm reading old facebook messages and they're depressing me. I was a bit of a whiny bitch. Also, my messages with one person are really hard to read since he basically, 100% hates me now. It's honestly just... ugh. Since he and I were so nice and great with each other then. I've been working on writing a blog post about him for like a year now. It was going to be a sequel to that whole "Brae has too many feelings" one I posted about someone else. I still can't write this one though. :/ Did I tell you found this guy's tumblr though? It wasn't hard. I know his twitter still, but it's private, but I accidentally found his tumblr he hasn't used in... months. It was weird. Eeeugh. I have to stop reading this now. It's especially weird since facebook was the only contact he and I had at that point so... yeah. Weird.

Well. That was a little bit depressing. It's my bedtime now so I can actually wake up and be something resembling alive tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!

BEDA: In which I rant about something.

Very sorry to make today a rant. I just have something I have to say today.

IF YOU ARE SOMEONE (I've only seen this behavior from males about females, so excuse my pronouns today!) THAT THINKS BEING NICE EARNS YOU A CHANCE FOR SEX OR A RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE NOT A "NICE GUY". YOU ARE SEXIST AND DO NOT RESPECT THE PERSON YOU CLAIM TO BE IN LOVE/LIKE WITH.

Good. Glad that's off my chest. I think I'm going to have to elaborate a bit. In the past 24 hours, I have had TWO males whine about this to me. The first was the one that pissed me off the most and is probably why I've been a little touchy today. Almost a direct quote here: "I'm just so tired of being such a nice guy and seeing all these douchebags with hot girlfriends!"

The italics are there just to show these fuckers ACTUALLY think they're NICE. You think putting someone on an idealized pedestal, while instantly judging their "douchebag"boyfriend, makes you nice? It doesn't! You're basically saying "WAAAAH I DESERVE A HOT GIRL TOO CAUSE I THINK I'M NICE AND STUFF, SO I'M GOING TO INSULT EVERY OTHER GUY THAT DOES HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!!" It just does not work like that. What you're really doing is not being nice, but instead becoming friends with girls intentions that just... just are not friendship-y ones. They're manipulative, "I want to fuck you" intentions. And god forbid she doesn't return your feelings, since she views you AS A FRIEND SINCE THAT IS HOW YOU PRESENTED YOURSELF TO HER, now Mr. Nice Guy is in the dreaded friendzone!! OH NO. That must give him the right to complain about how all woman are bitches for not loving him and wanting him since he was their friend!!!

Okay. I'm done. I can't talk about this anymore without wanting to shoot someone. I'm just so... pissed off. I don't think I can handle any more misogyny today. Can someone direct me to the land of equality?

In other news, I found my daddy's wedding ring, so I'm wearing that now. It's a men's ring so it looks a little odd on me I think, since it's big and gold, but I like it. It makes me happy. Also in exciting news of today, I have cat ears! And a little bow! And a tail! And I'm so cute! And excited! I also have my next hair color decided and bought, I just am waiting another week or 2. There was also a new version of Alameda by Elliott Smith posted today and it was great. It wasn't a TON different, but the changes that are...different... are great. Can you believe it would have been his 43rd birthday, if he was still alive, on August 6th? It's just weird. I don't know if I'll ever be over him dying. :(

Until tomorrow, everyone! <3

BEDA: Already messed up :(

Oh god, day 1 and I already messed up - I did wrote this yesterday and it didn't post!

 So yeah. BEDA is a thing I’m doing, as I said. I forget how to blog. Forgive me for being so rusty.

How has everyone been? I’ve missed you guys. I had a lot on my plate (depression is a hell of a disease!) so I just... took a break. I just needed to think. I’m feeling a lot better though! A lot has happened. I finished my first year of university, I went to London for a week, I started working for the summer, I made a few new friends, lost 35+ pounds in JUST under 2 months (gogo keto!), and I’ve booked a trip to Florida that I leave for in 24 sleeps! I’m very excited for that. And like I said – it’s been very busy.


I guess I’ll start with what I’m most enthusiastic about for the most part, my weight loss stuff. I don’t really like talking about it, since I liked to believe I was happy with myself at my highest weight, but I know I wasn’t. I know that know. For full disclosure, I was about 255-260 pounds. I thought I was one of those people that “carried it well” but looking back at pictures of me with fresher eyes... I didn’t. I’m at 224 as of my last weigh-in and I feel a bit better. I still have quite a bit to go but I just... I feel like for once I’m actually making a positive change in myself. I like it though – I even like my “diet” for a lack of a better term. I don’t consider keto so much a diet as I consider it a complete change in how I eat, forever (although, at my goal weight, I’d switch to a maintenance paleo) because I don’t... ever want to go back to how I was? Basically though, what I did was cut out all sugars – including starches, grains, actual sugar, fruit, and the like. 20-30 net carbs per day. It’s hard sometimes, but I feel better. I’m happier. Stuff is great.  

I don’t really know what else I want to talk about. I had a few posts planned, but I’m at work right now and about to go into my team meeting so I don’t have a ton to say. I guess I can cut off there. Better to start slow than not at all, right? ;) I’ll see everyone tomorrow!

I have a blog?!

So... is this thing still here?

I miss blogging. I want to start blogging again. Not tonight! But I think the masochist in me is going to do BEDA this month.

Good idea? Bad idea? "Brae isn't going to stick with it" idea? I'm not going to say much today so I don't burn myself out but. YES. Blogging. It's a thing.

Stay tuned! Maybe.

fuck it all.

Sometimes, it feels like things are at a bit of a rock bottom.

I wish I wasn't so depressed sometimes. I quite often wish I didn't spend most of my time moping around and wasting my entire life on shit that doesn't matter. Tonight is one of those nights. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry and never move, but of course, my mom is visiting and is sleeping in my room. So I'm confined to my computer room, where I am sitting here, half eating ice cream that I know I don't want and will just end up throwing up later, and half google stalking people that don't give a shit if I'm in their lives anymore or not.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm bored with everything in my life and I just needed to vent. I don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Maybe I haven't before. But I'm sure I have. Maybe it was during the "blank period" I have during the 10th grade? I don't know. Everyone who knew me then said I was sad. I don't remember if I was sad. I don't remember anything from there. Except small flashes. We went to the zoo once.

It's almost the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. I don't know if I'm okay with it or not. I'm sad. I miss him. He wouldn't be proud of me for being this weak. Or this disgusting. Depression is a terrible fucking weakness. I hate my life. I miss him though. He was a great man. I feel guilty now for those times we argued. I don't remember if I was able to hug him goodbye. I remember him being in a lot of pain. I remember crying a lot. But I don't remember if I could hug him goodbye.

I hate my life today.

On being that overly emotional kid we all hate.

Sometimes, I cry over silly things in movies or books that aren't supposed to make me cry.

I cry easily. Everyone who knows me at all knows that. I cry at the normal things movies expect us to cry over of course. It also affects little things though. Little things they add to get a little more of an audience reaction/attachment to the character or plot or something. For example, I finally watched The Princess and the Frog. I'm assuming people have seen it, but obligatory SPOILER WARNING. I pretty much sobbed as soon as it hinted that her dad died, and anytime he was mentioned afterwards. I will admit that I have an overly strong reaction to that sort of thing, seeing as its been less than a year since I lost my dad, but still. I don't think their intention was to turn me into a mess. And don't get me started on when Ray died and became a star up beside "Evangeline." I'm tearing up thinking about it.

And if you think I cried a lot there, don't get me started on Up. Or any Pixar movie, really.

It isn't just movies though. Songs are bad too. I'll often find myself just idly listening to Pandora and BAM, I'm sobbing because some Sufjan Stevens song was more sad than expected. Have you ever heard Romulus by him? I lost it the first time I heard it, likely because of the sad idea of the grandfather dying in a hospital... Even just the other night Casimir Pulaski Day came on and I started crying imagining some poor girl dying of cancer. NOPE. Too sad for me. There are more songs that I cry when I hear then it is normal or healthy.

Pretty much anything can make me cry. Books (there really is a reason I haven't read TFioS yet), songs, movies, blog posts, Internet comics, video games (I LOST IT at the end of Bastion, my god), TV shows (My Little Pony, anyone?) It isn't fun. I'm almost ashamed to do anything in public at risk of sobbing. I was reading a reddit post in my lecture hall and I had to try to hold back sobs. Movie theaters aren't enjoyable because I have to pretend I'm not crying.

I do not like it. At all.

I need a vacation so desperately right now.

I just really, really need to get away from all this.

I just finally got over the worst flu that I've had for years. I spent about six days in bed, getting up only to vomit and feed my cat. It was disgusting and terrible. I feel about 95% better now, meaning I'm still not all the way there! Yay. As a result, I am SUPER behind in all my classes. I missed 3 classes of Religious Studies, Stats, and Sociology. I feel super behind, and I know Linguistics (which I missed 2 classes of) will be just as bad tomorrow.

That means, with my feeling super behind, I also am full of stress and panic. And what do I love more than a vacation away from responsibilities?! NOTHING. That's what. I have a week off of classes in February, my reading week, that I am now back to being super determined to going on a trip during. It helps that I have tons of friends that live all over the USA, however, that doesn't make a difference when you're broke and don't have a job. I'm sort of limited. It is possible to find cheap flights, but I also have an extreme fear of getting lost in airports that I'm not familiar with. So layovers that aren't long enough to keep my anxiety in check... do not sound fun. The main 2 places I've been looking at, sadly, are really really hot places. Both of them have friends I want to visit though... The problem with these being my best options are, if I don't go in February, I won't be able to visit these people until winter at the earliest. I don't operate well in the heat.

There is definitely a (high) chance I won't be able to go somewhere during February. I am extremely terrified of this happening. I don't know why, really, other than my being ill, that I am so ridiculously ready to get the hell out of this place. I might even feel better after going back to Calgary this weekend. Maybe I am just tired of Lethbridge. Maybe I'm just lonely and this is how I plan to fix it, in some weird way. I am lonely. I don't know.

I just want a vacation. :(

I tried to make a less depressing post for today. Ooops.

Sorry about yesterday being so gloomy. I was just not having the greatest day. I tried to make today's better, but I think I failed a little.

I feel slightly less off today, so that's a plus. I've been stressing out over something very silly, and that just made everything that was less silly feel even more intimidating. I'm going to go ahead and blame the fact that my body is now actually having hormones forced into it after about 2 years of that being a non-existent sort of idea. I somehow decided to myself that the best way to push through an anxiety-filled day was to do something that I consider absolutely terrifying. And it actually kind of worked! I was too busy focusing on making that less scary to worry about everything else that could be and was going wrong.

I've still been moping around a bit though. I'm watching Elliott Smith live songs/full concerts on YouTube and just crying a little at how weak and broken he looks during them, particularly during the bad years. It's so sad. I realize the amount of time I spend talking about how much I love Elliott Smith and wish he was still alive is ridiculous and unreasonable, but I just always feel that way. Every single day.

In happy news, our plane tickets to England got confirmed and paid for and stuff! We're going in early May after I finish this semester of classes. It's my first trip with just my sister, and my first trip without my mother, so that's gonna be really fun. Yay! I'm a bit sad I'm not going anywhere during my Reading Week this February like my mom and I were planning to, but that's life. We couldn't find anywhere we were particularly thrilled about going.

I wish I had more happy/exciting news for you guys. Sorry. :(

A few days late, but...

Happy belated New Year, everyone!

I hope everyone had fantastic Christmases. Mine was good. I got the new desk I was desperately in need of, so that's always a bonus. I also got some clothes, including My Little Pony shirts. Now I can proudly show that children's shows are my favourite shows.

I've been feeling a little bit down lately, partly because it's winter and I always get really blah...particularly after the holiday season is done. I can't say that's the main reason though. I'm sure some of you remember my cat Midnight, whom I'd had since the 1st grade. He was a fantastic cat. Always there when I was sad, kept me company but still knew when I needed space. We had to have him put down on December 20th :( It was probably one of the hardest things I'd had to do. He apparently had diabetes we didn't know about, and his pancreas had shut down. Sad. :(

I didn't come here to just whine though. I wanted to say hi1 And be happy! So I hope everyone is doing well, and everyones new semesters (if they've started) are going well. :)

PS: My stupid bookstore didn't bother to get any signed copies of The Fault in our Stars even for pre-orders, so I'm currently a bit grumpy on that too. So I hope other people had better luck. :(