BEDA: In which the weekend ends.

I have a headache and my stomach hurts and can I just go home now, please?

It is Tuesday morning, which means I'm at work after my fantastic long weekend. I do not want to be at work. I'm too tired and too in pain and too bored and too ABSOLUTELY DONE with trying to work. I've been distracting myself with going over to get some tea, and making a pretty countdown for 'when do I get to go home' and 'when do I go to Florida' and 'when is my last day of work', but that can only keep my attention for so long. I also put Pride and Prejudice onto my phone, so I'm reading that (finally). My mother was never a fan of Jane Austen so I hadn't gotten around to reading any of her work, but now that I am, it's not that terrible. I'm enjoying it.

I'm also a little bit sad today for no particular reason. I think I might be lonely. I can't really tell for sure though, because I'm alone a lot of the time and I'm not always lonely... but I don't know. I tried to do that whole subtle "message someone something and hope it turns into a lovely conversation" but that didn't work at all. Now I'm back to square one where my only companion is my trusty ol' blog. Also my sister. She's talking to me a little. We're discussing Catching Fire casting. :)

I am wearing one of my new dresses today! It is cream with blue and yellow flowers, and I'm wearing a blue cardigan over it because its like... a tank top type of top, and I am at work. So that really isn't an option. I was going to wear my new flats, but they're a little tight and need to stretch out, so I don't want to only have those for like, a full 8 hours. I'm hoping it stops being so unbearably hot here though. As much as I love taking any opportunity I can to wear dresses, this is insane. It's gross. And next time it rains, my mommy promised to make me ribs... and I really, really miss ribs. I have asparagus and a pork chop for lunch though so that's pretty yummy.

One of my friends I made this summer came to talk to me too :) she's so nice. That was nice. Apparently, I -am- just lonely... stupid only having online friends who aren't usually online when I'm at work! :( Oh well. I'll just deal with it for the rest of the day. Until tomorrow, everyone! <3

BEDA: Elliott Smith's birthday

August 6th is always a really important day today, and I'm extremely happy I had it off work this year.

This year, August 6th 2012, would have been Elliott Smith's 43rd birthday. If he was still alive that is. And I usually prefer to take today, rather than October 21st, since I prefer to celebrate his life rather than his death. Most years we make cupcakes for it, but this year I obviously couldn't. So I just took the opportunity to listen to his music and think about all the ways it's affected my life. I really don't like remembering that he isn't alive, but I think you all knew that. I'll get over it though. I'm just happy he was alive and made such lovely music :)

Other than that, it's been a pretty quiet day around here. I played some video games and pouted about having to go to back to work tomorrow. I'm so happy I only have 14 days left, ugh. I'm also bleaching my hair tomorrow for a few days until I can put the burgandy in, which I'm extremely excited for... I think I might wear one of my new dresses tomorrow :) I went shopping again after my post yesterday and got 2 more, so I'm BASICALLY done shopping for quite awhile now :P

I hope everyone else is having a good evening, and I will see you tomorrow!

BEDA: In which I have too much energy for a lazy day.

I woke up way too early today. I couldn't sleep any later than 8:30, even though I knew if I was able to do anything today, at the earliest it'd be at 12:30ish. And that's assuming I did do anything today. I used to love not doing anything all day, every day. Lately though I've just had toooo much energy to handle doing that!

So, it's 12 now, my mom still isn't back, and in my boredom I managed to try on a few more of my outfits, get dressed (nicely!) for today in one of my dresses, find my sunglasses since I had misplaced them, and start playing one of my games on Steam. And I put on makeup, but that barely counts since all I have on today is some concealer, my MAC paint pot, mascara, bronzer, and lipgloss. I haven't eaten yet since I want to make more of my delicious cream cheese pancakes, and I haven't started my grocery list since everytime I do that alone, my mom ends up completely redoing it anyway. >.< Basically, all I have left to do now is wait for her to get home so I can stop sitting here, twiddling my thumbs.

I need to go to Shoppers today I think. I want to buy the bleach I use to get my hair....bleach white, and I had a few other things to grab too. I really hate going to the one near my house right now though since it's a mess. I also still have a free coffee thing for Starbucks, so I might get one of the like, black unsweetened ice coffees to bring home to add my heavy cream and one of my sugar free syrups too...  those are so delicious. I need to plan a trip up to the low carb store again sometime soon too. It's a pain to get there, since it's up off McKnight and like... 14th street? Or something? But it's great. They have like, bread things I can have, and my syrups, and like... just lots of things. Lots and lots of things.

I hope everyone else is doing well today! :) I'll see you all tomorrow <3

BEDA: I need to stop shopping,

Really. It is insane how much I've done lately.

My mommy and I went to Chinook today since I... wanted clothes. I got 3 super adorable dresses, and the first one OH MY GOD. It's perfect on me. I love it so much. I love it so much I'm even going to show you guys a picture of it! It's green and navy blue striped, and it just... it looks perfect on my shape. AND! It's a large. A LARGE. This is the first time I've been in a large since before high school. So happy!

See? The picture doesn't do it justice. It makes me look so cute. AND OMG A LARGE.

I did also buy a cute bright pink dress, and a grey and blue one. I like all 3 of them. I also got a few necklaces from Forever 21, and more of the face wipe things from Mac. All in all, a pretty fun shopping day. My mommy talked me out of buying more make up (I really really want Well Dressed from Mac, as well as Girl About Town.... and Satin Taupe, and don't get me started on how much I want from Sephora (also I want this Chanel foundation but that's beside the point!)) so I'm a little sad about that, but really, I have a lot. I also was not allowed to go into Lush, even though I do need to buy more of my cleanser! But my mom was aware I'd end up buying like, 2 soaps, shampoo, and conditioner if I was allowed to go in. :P

I wanted to buy more, but I'm at this sort of weird sizing now that... like... a lot of places, the XL fits but it looks kinda big or I can tell within a few weeks it will be, but the large is too small and I don't want to buy it in case it looks weird when I do manage to lose more weight... I need to buy a few new pairs of jeans, since all of mine literally are falling off of me, but I'm waiting until I'm back in Lethbridge to do that I think. I might grab 1 pair before I go to Florida, just for the plane though? I don't know. I was on the lookout for a cream skirt the WHOLE TIME though, and I couldn't find any that fit me, looked good on me, or weren't super duper expensive. So I'm still working on that.

Also today we made these super delicious cream cheese pancakes from I Breathe, I'm Hungry which is this great low carb food blog I love. It was great since I'm sooo tired of eggs for breakfast. I'll definitely be making those again soon. And by soon, I might mean tomorrow. ^_^ 

I hope everyone else is having a good day :) See you all tomorrow! <3

BEDA: Long weekends are the best weekends.

Seriously. You never appreciate them until you really need them. Like when you only have 14 more days of work left.

Today was not a particularly exciting day. I worked. I went to lunch with 6 of the other students at work. I worked. I came home. Then I got to go shopping at least! That went okay. I got a new pair of sandals and a new pair of flats. I'm just excited it's the weekend now. I'm making a like... cream cheese pancake recipe tomorrow morning, and it looks so good, and my mommy got me sugar free syrup for it ^_^

Really, other than shoes, my day kind of sucked. I argued with someone, I had to work, I watched sad YouTube videos, and now I'm reading old facebook messages and they're depressing me. I was a bit of a whiny bitch. Also, my messages with one person are really hard to read since he basically, 100% hates me now. It's honestly just... ugh. Since he and I were so nice and great with each other then. I've been working on writing a blog post about him for like a year now. It was going to be a sequel to that whole "Brae has too many feelings" one I posted about someone else. I still can't write this one though. :/ Did I tell you found this guy's tumblr though? It wasn't hard. I know his twitter still, but it's private, but I accidentally found his tumblr he hasn't used in... months. It was weird. Eeeugh. I have to stop reading this now. It's especially weird since facebook was the only contact he and I had at that point so... yeah. Weird.

Well. That was a little bit depressing. It's my bedtime now so I can actually wake up and be something resembling alive tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!

BEDA: In which I rant about something.

Very sorry to make today a rant. I just have something I have to say today.

IF YOU ARE SOMEONE (I've only seen this behavior from males about females, so excuse my pronouns today!) THAT THINKS BEING NICE EARNS YOU A CHANCE FOR SEX OR A RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE NOT A "NICE GUY". YOU ARE SEXIST AND DO NOT RESPECT THE PERSON YOU CLAIM TO BE IN LOVE/LIKE WITH.

Good. Glad that's off my chest. I think I'm going to have to elaborate a bit. In the past 24 hours, I have had TWO males whine about this to me. The first was the one that pissed me off the most and is probably why I've been a little touchy today. Almost a direct quote here: "I'm just so tired of being such a nice guy and seeing all these douchebags with hot girlfriends!"

The italics are there just to show these fuckers ACTUALLY think they're NICE. You think putting someone on an idealized pedestal, while instantly judging their "douchebag"boyfriend, makes you nice? It doesn't! You're basically saying "WAAAAH I DESERVE A HOT GIRL TOO CAUSE I THINK I'M NICE AND STUFF, SO I'M GOING TO INSULT EVERY OTHER GUY THAT DOES HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!!" It just does not work like that. What you're really doing is not being nice, but instead becoming friends with girls intentions that just... just are not friendship-y ones. They're manipulative, "I want to fuck you" intentions. And god forbid she doesn't return your feelings, since she views you AS A FRIEND SINCE THAT IS HOW YOU PRESENTED YOURSELF TO HER, now Mr. Nice Guy is in the dreaded friendzone!! OH NO. That must give him the right to complain about how all woman are bitches for not loving him and wanting him since he was their friend!!!

Okay. I'm done. I can't talk about this anymore without wanting to shoot someone. I'm just so... pissed off. I don't think I can handle any more misogyny today. Can someone direct me to the land of equality?

In other news, I found my daddy's wedding ring, so I'm wearing that now. It's a men's ring so it looks a little odd on me I think, since it's big and gold, but I like it. It makes me happy. Also in exciting news of today, I have cat ears! And a little bow! And a tail! And I'm so cute! And excited! I also have my next hair color decided and bought, I just am waiting another week or 2. There was also a new version of Alameda by Elliott Smith posted today and it was great. It wasn't a TON different, but the changes that are...different... are great. Can you believe it would have been his 43rd birthday, if he was still alive, on August 6th? It's just weird. I don't know if I'll ever be over him dying. :(

Until tomorrow, everyone! <3

BEDA: Already messed up :(

Oh god, day 1 and I already messed up - I did wrote this yesterday and it didn't post!

 So yeah. BEDA is a thing I’m doing, as I said. I forget how to blog. Forgive me for being so rusty.

How has everyone been? I’ve missed you guys. I had a lot on my plate (depression is a hell of a disease!) so I just... took a break. I just needed to think. I’m feeling a lot better though! A lot has happened. I finished my first year of university, I went to London for a week, I started working for the summer, I made a few new friends, lost 35+ pounds in JUST under 2 months (gogo keto!), and I’ve booked a trip to Florida that I leave for in 24 sleeps! I’m very excited for that. And like I said – it’s been very busy.


I guess I’ll start with what I’m most enthusiastic about for the most part, my weight loss stuff. I don’t really like talking about it, since I liked to believe I was happy with myself at my highest weight, but I know I wasn’t. I know that know. For full disclosure, I was about 255-260 pounds. I thought I was one of those people that “carried it well” but looking back at pictures of me with fresher eyes... I didn’t. I’m at 224 as of my last weigh-in and I feel a bit better. I still have quite a bit to go but I just... I feel like for once I’m actually making a positive change in myself. I like it though – I even like my “diet” for a lack of a better term. I don’t consider keto so much a diet as I consider it a complete change in how I eat, forever (although, at my goal weight, I’d switch to a maintenance paleo) because I don’t... ever want to go back to how I was? Basically though, what I did was cut out all sugars – including starches, grains, actual sugar, fruit, and the like. 20-30 net carbs per day. It’s hard sometimes, but I feel better. I’m happier. Stuff is great.  

I don’t really know what else I want to talk about. I had a few posts planned, but I’m at work right now and about to go into my team meeting so I don’t have a ton to say. I guess I can cut off there. Better to start slow than not at all, right? ;) I’ll see everyone tomorrow!

I have a blog?!

So... is this thing still here?

I miss blogging. I want to start blogging again. Not tonight! But I think the masochist in me is going to do BEDA this month.

Good idea? Bad idea? "Brae isn't going to stick with it" idea? I'm not going to say much today so I don't burn myself out but. YES. Blogging. It's a thing.

Stay tuned! Maybe.

fuck it all.

Sometimes, it feels like things are at a bit of a rock bottom.

I wish I wasn't so depressed sometimes. I quite often wish I didn't spend most of my time moping around and wasting my entire life on shit that doesn't matter. Tonight is one of those nights. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry and never move, but of course, my mom is visiting and is sleeping in my room. So I'm confined to my computer room, where I am sitting here, half eating ice cream that I know I don't want and will just end up throwing up later, and half google stalking people that don't give a shit if I'm in their lives anymore or not.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm bored with everything in my life and I just needed to vent. I don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Maybe I haven't before. But I'm sure I have. Maybe it was during the "blank period" I have during the 10th grade? I don't know. Everyone who knew me then said I was sad. I don't remember if I was sad. I don't remember anything from there. Except small flashes. We went to the zoo once.

It's almost the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. I don't know if I'm okay with it or not. I'm sad. I miss him. He wouldn't be proud of me for being this weak. Or this disgusting. Depression is a terrible fucking weakness. I hate my life. I miss him though. He was a great man. I feel guilty now for those times we argued. I don't remember if I was able to hug him goodbye. I remember him being in a lot of pain. I remember crying a lot. But I don't remember if I could hug him goodbye.

I hate my life today.

On being that overly emotional kid we all hate.

Sometimes, I cry over silly things in movies or books that aren't supposed to make me cry.

I cry easily. Everyone who knows me at all knows that. I cry at the normal things movies expect us to cry over of course. It also affects little things though. Little things they add to get a little more of an audience reaction/attachment to the character or plot or something. For example, I finally watched The Princess and the Frog. I'm assuming people have seen it, but obligatory SPOILER WARNING. I pretty much sobbed as soon as it hinted that her dad died, and anytime he was mentioned afterwards. I will admit that I have an overly strong reaction to that sort of thing, seeing as its been less than a year since I lost my dad, but still. I don't think their intention was to turn me into a mess. And don't get me started on when Ray died and became a star up beside "Evangeline." I'm tearing up thinking about it.

And if you think I cried a lot there, don't get me started on Up. Or any Pixar movie, really.

It isn't just movies though. Songs are bad too. I'll often find myself just idly listening to Pandora and BAM, I'm sobbing because some Sufjan Stevens song was more sad than expected. Have you ever heard Romulus by him? I lost it the first time I heard it, likely because of the sad idea of the grandfather dying in a hospital... Even just the other night Casimir Pulaski Day came on and I started crying imagining some poor girl dying of cancer. NOPE. Too sad for me. There are more songs that I cry when I hear then it is normal or healthy.

Pretty much anything can make me cry. Books (there really is a reason I haven't read TFioS yet), songs, movies, blog posts, Internet comics, video games (I LOST IT at the end of Bastion, my god), TV shows (My Little Pony, anyone?) It isn't fun. I'm almost ashamed to do anything in public at risk of sobbing. I was reading a reddit post in my lecture hall and I had to try to hold back sobs. Movie theaters aren't enjoyable because I have to pretend I'm not crying.

I do not like it. At all.