BEDA: Long weekends are the best weekends.

Seriously. You never appreciate them until you really need them. Like when you only have 14 more days of work left.

Today was not a particularly exciting day. I worked. I went to lunch with 6 of the other students at work. I worked. I came home. Then I got to go shopping at least! That went okay. I got a new pair of sandals and a new pair of flats. I'm just excited it's the weekend now. I'm making a like... cream cheese pancake recipe tomorrow morning, and it looks so good, and my mommy got me sugar free syrup for it ^_^

Really, other than shoes, my day kind of sucked. I argued with someone, I had to work, I watched sad YouTube videos, and now I'm reading old facebook messages and they're depressing me. I was a bit of a whiny bitch. Also, my messages with one person are really hard to read since he basically, 100% hates me now. It's honestly just... ugh. Since he and I were so nice and great with each other then. I've been working on writing a blog post about him for like a year now. It was going to be a sequel to that whole "Brae has too many feelings" one I posted about someone else. I still can't write this one though. :/ Did I tell you found this guy's tumblr though? It wasn't hard. I know his twitter still, but it's private, but I accidentally found his tumblr he hasn't used in... months. It was weird. Eeeugh. I have to stop reading this now. It's especially weird since facebook was the only contact he and I had at that point so... yeah. Weird.

Well. That was a little bit depressing. It's my bedtime now so I can actually wake up and be something resembling alive tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!

BEDA: In which I rant about something.

Very sorry to make today a rant. I just have something I have to say today.

IF YOU ARE SOMEONE (I've only seen this behavior from males about females, so excuse my pronouns today!) THAT THINKS BEING NICE EARNS YOU A CHANCE FOR SEX OR A RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE NOT A "NICE GUY". YOU ARE SEXIST AND DO NOT RESPECT THE PERSON YOU CLAIM TO BE IN LOVE/LIKE WITH.

Good. Glad that's off my chest. I think I'm going to have to elaborate a bit. In the past 24 hours, I have had TWO males whine about this to me. The first was the one that pissed me off the most and is probably why I've been a little touchy today. Almost a direct quote here: "I'm just so tired of being such a nice guy and seeing all these douchebags with hot girlfriends!"

The italics are there just to show these fuckers ACTUALLY think they're NICE. You think putting someone on an idealized pedestal, while instantly judging their "douchebag"boyfriend, makes you nice? It doesn't! You're basically saying "WAAAAH I DESERVE A HOT GIRL TOO CAUSE I THINK I'M NICE AND STUFF, SO I'M GOING TO INSULT EVERY OTHER GUY THAT DOES HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!!" It just does not work like that. What you're really doing is not being nice, but instead becoming friends with girls intentions that just... just are not friendship-y ones. They're manipulative, "I want to fuck you" intentions. And god forbid she doesn't return your feelings, since she views you AS A FRIEND SINCE THAT IS HOW YOU PRESENTED YOURSELF TO HER, now Mr. Nice Guy is in the dreaded friendzone!! OH NO. That must give him the right to complain about how all woman are bitches for not loving him and wanting him since he was their friend!!!

Okay. I'm done. I can't talk about this anymore without wanting to shoot someone. I'm just so... pissed off. I don't think I can handle any more misogyny today. Can someone direct me to the land of equality?

In other news, I found my daddy's wedding ring, so I'm wearing that now. It's a men's ring so it looks a little odd on me I think, since it's big and gold, but I like it. It makes me happy. Also in exciting news of today, I have cat ears! And a little bow! And a tail! And I'm so cute! And excited! I also have my next hair color decided and bought, I just am waiting another week or 2. There was also a new version of Alameda by Elliott Smith posted today and it was great. It wasn't a TON different, but the changes that are...different... are great. Can you believe it would have been his 43rd birthday, if he was still alive, on August 6th? It's just weird. I don't know if I'll ever be over him dying. :(

Until tomorrow, everyone! <3

BEDA: Already messed up :(

Oh god, day 1 and I already messed up - I did wrote this yesterday and it didn't post!

 So yeah. BEDA is a thing I’m doing, as I said. I forget how to blog. Forgive me for being so rusty.

How has everyone been? I’ve missed you guys. I had a lot on my plate (depression is a hell of a disease!) so I just... took a break. I just needed to think. I’m feeling a lot better though! A lot has happened. I finished my first year of university, I went to London for a week, I started working for the summer, I made a few new friends, lost 35+ pounds in JUST under 2 months (gogo keto!), and I’ve booked a trip to Florida that I leave for in 24 sleeps! I’m very excited for that. And like I said – it’s been very busy.


I guess I’ll start with what I’m most enthusiastic about for the most part, my weight loss stuff. I don’t really like talking about it, since I liked to believe I was happy with myself at my highest weight, but I know I wasn’t. I know that know. For full disclosure, I was about 255-260 pounds. I thought I was one of those people that “carried it well” but looking back at pictures of me with fresher eyes... I didn’t. I’m at 224 as of my last weigh-in and I feel a bit better. I still have quite a bit to go but I just... I feel like for once I’m actually making a positive change in myself. I like it though – I even like my “diet” for a lack of a better term. I don’t consider keto so much a diet as I consider it a complete change in how I eat, forever (although, at my goal weight, I’d switch to a maintenance paleo) because I don’t... ever want to go back to how I was? Basically though, what I did was cut out all sugars – including starches, grains, actual sugar, fruit, and the like. 20-30 net carbs per day. It’s hard sometimes, but I feel better. I’m happier. Stuff is great.  

I don’t really know what else I want to talk about. I had a few posts planned, but I’m at work right now and about to go into my team meeting so I don’t have a ton to say. I guess I can cut off there. Better to start slow than not at all, right? ;) I’ll see everyone tomorrow!

I have a blog?!

So... is this thing still here?

I miss blogging. I want to start blogging again. Not tonight! But I think the masochist in me is going to do BEDA this month.

Good idea? Bad idea? "Brae isn't going to stick with it" idea? I'm not going to say much today so I don't burn myself out but. YES. Blogging. It's a thing.

Stay tuned! Maybe.

fuck it all.

Sometimes, it feels like things are at a bit of a rock bottom.

I wish I wasn't so depressed sometimes. I quite often wish I didn't spend most of my time moping around and wasting my entire life on shit that doesn't matter. Tonight is one of those nights. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry and never move, but of course, my mom is visiting and is sleeping in my room. So I'm confined to my computer room, where I am sitting here, half eating ice cream that I know I don't want and will just end up throwing up later, and half google stalking people that don't give a shit if I'm in their lives anymore or not.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm bored with everything in my life and I just needed to vent. I don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Maybe I haven't before. But I'm sure I have. Maybe it was during the "blank period" I have during the 10th grade? I don't know. Everyone who knew me then said I was sad. I don't remember if I was sad. I don't remember anything from there. Except small flashes. We went to the zoo once.

It's almost the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. I don't know if I'm okay with it or not. I'm sad. I miss him. He wouldn't be proud of me for being this weak. Or this disgusting. Depression is a terrible fucking weakness. I hate my life. I miss him though. He was a great man. I feel guilty now for those times we argued. I don't remember if I was able to hug him goodbye. I remember him being in a lot of pain. I remember crying a lot. But I don't remember if I could hug him goodbye.

I hate my life today.

On being that overly emotional kid we all hate.

Sometimes, I cry over silly things in movies or books that aren't supposed to make me cry.

I cry easily. Everyone who knows me at all knows that. I cry at the normal things movies expect us to cry over of course. It also affects little things though. Little things they add to get a little more of an audience reaction/attachment to the character or plot or something. For example, I finally watched The Princess and the Frog. I'm assuming people have seen it, but obligatory SPOILER WARNING. I pretty much sobbed as soon as it hinted that her dad died, and anytime he was mentioned afterwards. I will admit that I have an overly strong reaction to that sort of thing, seeing as its been less than a year since I lost my dad, but still. I don't think their intention was to turn me into a mess. And don't get me started on when Ray died and became a star up beside "Evangeline." I'm tearing up thinking about it.

And if you think I cried a lot there, don't get me started on Up. Or any Pixar movie, really.

It isn't just movies though. Songs are bad too. I'll often find myself just idly listening to Pandora and BAM, I'm sobbing because some Sufjan Stevens song was more sad than expected. Have you ever heard Romulus by him? I lost it the first time I heard it, likely because of the sad idea of the grandfather dying in a hospital... Even just the other night Casimir Pulaski Day came on and I started crying imagining some poor girl dying of cancer. NOPE. Too sad for me. There are more songs that I cry when I hear then it is normal or healthy.

Pretty much anything can make me cry. Books (there really is a reason I haven't read TFioS yet), songs, movies, blog posts, Internet comics, video games (I LOST IT at the end of Bastion, my god), TV shows (My Little Pony, anyone?) It isn't fun. I'm almost ashamed to do anything in public at risk of sobbing. I was reading a reddit post in my lecture hall and I had to try to hold back sobs. Movie theaters aren't enjoyable because I have to pretend I'm not crying.

I do not like it. At all.

I need a vacation so desperately right now.

I just really, really need to get away from all this.

I just finally got over the worst flu that I've had for years. I spent about six days in bed, getting up only to vomit and feed my cat. It was disgusting and terrible. I feel about 95% better now, meaning I'm still not all the way there! Yay. As a result, I am SUPER behind in all my classes. I missed 3 classes of Religious Studies, Stats, and Sociology. I feel super behind, and I know Linguistics (which I missed 2 classes of) will be just as bad tomorrow.

That means, with my feeling super behind, I also am full of stress and panic. And what do I love more than a vacation away from responsibilities?! NOTHING. That's what. I have a week off of classes in February, my reading week, that I am now back to being super determined to going on a trip during. It helps that I have tons of friends that live all over the USA, however, that doesn't make a difference when you're broke and don't have a job. I'm sort of limited. It is possible to find cheap flights, but I also have an extreme fear of getting lost in airports that I'm not familiar with. So layovers that aren't long enough to keep my anxiety in check... do not sound fun. The main 2 places I've been looking at, sadly, are really really hot places. Both of them have friends I want to visit though... The problem with these being my best options are, if I don't go in February, I won't be able to visit these people until winter at the earliest. I don't operate well in the heat.

There is definitely a (high) chance I won't be able to go somewhere during February. I am extremely terrified of this happening. I don't know why, really, other than my being ill, that I am so ridiculously ready to get the hell out of this place. I might even feel better after going back to Calgary this weekend. Maybe I am just tired of Lethbridge. Maybe I'm just lonely and this is how I plan to fix it, in some weird way. I am lonely. I don't know.

I just want a vacation. :(

I tried to make a less depressing post for today. Ooops.

Sorry about yesterday being so gloomy. I was just not having the greatest day. I tried to make today's better, but I think I failed a little.

I feel slightly less off today, so that's a plus. I've been stressing out over something very silly, and that just made everything that was less silly feel even more intimidating. I'm going to go ahead and blame the fact that my body is now actually having hormones forced into it after about 2 years of that being a non-existent sort of idea. I somehow decided to myself that the best way to push through an anxiety-filled day was to do something that I consider absolutely terrifying. And it actually kind of worked! I was too busy focusing on making that less scary to worry about everything else that could be and was going wrong.

I've still been moping around a bit though. I'm watching Elliott Smith live songs/full concerts on YouTube and just crying a little at how weak and broken he looks during them, particularly during the bad years. It's so sad. I realize the amount of time I spend talking about how much I love Elliott Smith and wish he was still alive is ridiculous and unreasonable, but I just always feel that way. Every single day.

In happy news, our plane tickets to England got confirmed and paid for and stuff! We're going in early May after I finish this semester of classes. It's my first trip with just my sister, and my first trip without my mother, so that's gonna be really fun. Yay! I'm a bit sad I'm not going anywhere during my Reading Week this February like my mom and I were planning to, but that's life. We couldn't find anywhere we were particularly thrilled about going.

I wish I had more happy/exciting news for you guys. Sorry. :(

A few days late, but...

Happy belated New Year, everyone!

I hope everyone had fantastic Christmases. Mine was good. I got the new desk I was desperately in need of, so that's always a bonus. I also got some clothes, including My Little Pony shirts. Now I can proudly show that children's shows are my favourite shows.

I've been feeling a little bit down lately, partly because it's winter and I always get really blah...particularly after the holiday season is done. I can't say that's the main reason though. I'm sure some of you remember my cat Midnight, whom I'd had since the 1st grade. He was a fantastic cat. Always there when I was sad, kept me company but still knew when I needed space. We had to have him put down on December 20th :( It was probably one of the hardest things I'd had to do. He apparently had diabetes we didn't know about, and his pancreas had shut down. Sad. :(

I didn't come here to just whine though. I wanted to say hi1 And be happy! So I hope everyone is doing well, and everyones new semesters (if they've started) are going well. :)

PS: My stupid bookstore didn't bother to get any signed copies of The Fault in our Stars even for pre-orders, so I'm currently a bit grumpy on that too. So I hope other people had better luck. :(

Birthday recap goes "yay"!

So! I had my birthday about a week and a half ago. I turned 18, which is exciting all on its own. The most exciting part of it though was my birthday present from my older sister...

A kitten!!!



His name is Severus, after Severus Snape of course, and his nickname is Sevvi. Funny story actually - the people we got him from said he was a little girl, so I thought Sevvi was a good way to feminize Severus... then we went to the vet and we were corrected. Ooops. Anyway, he's a playful, adorable sweetheart. He looks like a younger version of Midnight, which is both hilarious and terrifying, since he's picking up a lot of the same mannerisms from Midnight since we came home after my classes ended.

I love him so, so much. I bought him a new (green and silver!) collar since we realized the pink doesn't suit him quite as well. ;)

What else have I been up too.... Hmm, on my 18th birthday I went to my first pub and got my first legal drink with my sister and our roommate. Also, chicken wings. That was fun. And the weekend afterwards, two of our friends came down and I went to my first club. It was one of our other friends first time going as well, so the two of us sort of felt awkward and terrified together. Loud music and lots of people acting ridiculously, stereotypically "white college student."

So. That was that.

Being 18 doesn't feel as different as I expected it too. It was like, I expected to instantly feel much older and legal and able to do all of the stuff I'd been wanting to do since I was 15, but nope. No difference. I also haven't talked to absolutely any of the people who made it their life goal to talk to me once I was 18, so that's always funny (and a positive in the case of all but one! D: ).

I hope everybody's holiday season is going well. I'm just about wrapped up my Christmas shopping - just need a few things for my mom and something for my best friend, since he's such a pain to buy for. My exams are coming up next week, so I should be studying for those. Particularly Linguistics. I'm definitely not studying at all yet. Ooops!