fuck it all.

Sometimes, it feels like things are at a bit of a rock bottom.

I wish I wasn't so depressed sometimes. I quite often wish I didn't spend most of my time moping around and wasting my entire life on shit that doesn't matter. Tonight is one of those nights. I just want to curl up in my bed and cry and never move, but of course, my mom is visiting and is sleeping in my room. So I'm confined to my computer room, where I am sitting here, half eating ice cream that I know I don't want and will just end up throwing up later, and half google stalking people that don't give a shit if I'm in their lives anymore or not.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm bored with everything in my life and I just needed to vent. I don't remember the last time I felt this shitty. Maybe I haven't before. But I'm sure I have. Maybe it was during the "blank period" I have during the 10th grade? I don't know. Everyone who knew me then said I was sad. I don't remember if I was sad. I don't remember anything from there. Except small flashes. We went to the zoo once.

It's almost the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. I don't know if I'm okay with it or not. I'm sad. I miss him. He wouldn't be proud of me for being this weak. Or this disgusting. Depression is a terrible fucking weakness. I hate my life. I miss him though. He was a great man. I feel guilty now for those times we argued. I don't remember if I was able to hug him goodbye. I remember him being in a lot of pain. I remember crying a lot. But I don't remember if I could hug him goodbye.

I hate my life today.