Brae has too many emotions.

I can't promise my timelines to be 100% accurate in here. While it's all things that happened, the order of it all gets a bit jumbled in my head. :(

I have a huge emotional... lump just sitting here in my head. It won't go away when I try to ignore it. It won't go away when I cry about it. And it won't go away when I remind myself it's useless. So we're going to try what I hoped would be the unnecessary last resort - talking about it. Due to the circumstances of me being utterly pathetic, the person related to said emotional lump is unavailable to talk to. Perhaps he is available, physically, but not emotionally to me.

I can already tell this is one of those posts no one reads and I want no one to read. Apologies in advance for utter lack of sense made.

I spend a lot of time on the internet. It may be due to my crippling anxiety with actual social situations, or it may just be that I tend to like the people I meet online more than the people I've been forced to interact with in real life. But the point is, I like to be online. I like to play video games online. I like to spend time with people on these video games online, and I like to become their friend. That is how I met him. It was a little bit over a year ago, when I was in a guild that I was happy with at the time and became increasingly unhappy with over time. He was a super nice guy- he joined with another guy and a girl, whom everyone assumed he was dating. He wasn't.

I ended up spending a lot of time talking to him. He was one of the people who could handle me on both my up days and my down days. He was there to stand up for me when idiots were bothering me. He liked listening to my stories, or at least pretended he did. That was more than most anyone else ever did and has done. I ended up developing a bit of a crush on him, which I knew probably wasn't the best idea because it was strikingly obvious to everybody he liked the girl who he had joined with.

I couldn't really help that I liked him though. We stayed friends. I continued to like him. I continued to talk to my other in-game friends. He made very, very good friends with another girl who I didn't particularly like. I tried to ignore that.

It was around then where the reason we essentially stopped being friends for awhile came up. I'm pretty sure this had taken place before I ever outright told him I liked him, although subtlety has never been my strongest suit. And because of that, I am sure other people knew that I liked him too, even if I was spending a bit less time with him than before (I tried to get over the crush, lol). I was just talking with 2 of my other female friends, when one of them just said... something. Something that still stings me to write or think of, and it's something I don't really want on my blog.

As soon as I saw that, I left the chat with the two of them. I began avoiding them, and because it related to him, I began to avoid him too. I ignored things he said to me, I logged off in the middle of him trying to talk to me. In short, I was outright rude. To this day, I don't think he knows why I was so upset with him and our other friends, and I don't think I ever plan to tell him. I don't consider what I did to be my proudest moment.

During that, we had one conversation. I remember vividly telling him that I'd had a crush on him. I don't think I made it clear how much of one, but I remember telling him. Then I went to go see How to Train Your Dragon, and cried during that over him. And over the movie. That movie is still one of my favourite movies.

Then we went on and off for not talking, then kind of awkwardly talking, then not talking again for months. He took a break from the game. Then he was back. Then he took another break, until... I'd like to say early July. This July. I know it was July because I was waiting to see Harry Potter. We talked for a bit and I added him on an instant messaging, because he was only back for a week.

It was then that I finally admitted the full scope of my feelings. And then proceeded to try to avoid him for a few days. Which has now turned into a month.

So I just feel very, very confused. It's obvious to me that I still obviously feel something, and it must be clear to him too. It's also very clear he does not feel something, considering most of our conversation revolved around the previously mentioned girl he spent a lot of time with, who I didn't like. I don't know how I feel right now. Maybe I'm just overemotional and a mess, but I feel like I genuinely was expecting something different when we starting talking again. And since things didn't turn out different, maybe I'm just moping around.

I don't feel like I could ever talk to him about all this. I feel like he wouldn't really appreciate it. And I think now that I've let some of this out, maybe I'll actually move past it. Maybe I'll be less of a pathetic, stupid mess. Unlikely though.